TikToker puts her satirical stamp on the world of influencer astrology
New York, New York - One TikToker is taking on social media's astrology obsession with a satirical twist.
Now, both platforms are bustling with self-proclaimed experts on the stars, with accounts dedicated to giving their followers quirky daily horoscopes – even if those horoscopes don’t totally correlate with what’s going on cosmically.
Enter TikToker Cassie Willson: a New Yorker with a passion for comedy and an interest in Instagram astrology with a healthy dose of satire. After all, there are only so many bad horoscope takes that one can witness without making a joke about it.
Listen, we’re not saying astrology isn’t real, because by all means, there's validity to astrological deep dives and star charts. What we are saying is that influencer astrology might not be the best thing to base your mood on due to its inaccuracy, and it seems Cassie feels the same.
On Willson's TikTok feed, the comedic genius has several videos poking fun at astrology influencers for her followers' enjoyment. But if you’re looking for what the stars really have in store for you – this isn’t the place.
In her latest horoscope vid, Willson breaks down the satirical dos and don'ts of Virgo season, which is obviously the perfect time to "alphabetize your spice rack and stalk your ex on Venmo."
The rising comedy star proceeds to break down the rather ridiculous weekly horoscopes for four of the 12 star signs: Taurus, Aries, Sagittarius, and Cancer.
What to do when your "Venus is in weenus"
First up is Taurus, with Willson declaring that this star sign's "Venus is in weenus," and thus, they should "steer clear of motorized scooters this week, and don't even think about washing your hair."
Next up is Aries, who should apparently dabble in "lukewarm beverages, fantasy novels, [and] working," but avoid, "Diva Cups, sunscreen, and Blu-ray." For Sagittarius, Willson recommends they let people "surprise" them this week. "Just kiss a stranger on the mouth, and see what happens!" she says.
Last up is Cancer, which leads to a little change up in nonsensical horoscope structure. "Cancer, pick two," Willson begins. "Crying in the bathroom, crying out for help, and 'For crying out loud, somebody stop him!'"
As you can probably tell, these aren't your typical horoscopes, and that's because they're oozing with satire and sarcasm. While we love a good horoscope, we have to admit some people have taken their self-proclaimed status as an expert in the stars a bit too far.
Fans of Willson's top-tier astrology work chimed in on her hilarious takes in the comments section. One user wrote, "Not in weenus! Damn. I'll never win [at] astrology," while another posed a valid question: "I have a scooter…How will I get to class now?"
Willson's take on Instagram horoscopes offers up a fresh perspective in the oversaturated space of influencer astrology, and we're here for it.
Cover photo: Collage: Screenshot/Instagram/casstherockwillson